The reason for my decision not to do military service 

 

I chose not to do military service. This choice was largely motivated by my experiences involving bullying in middle school. There were only 50 students in each grade, with half of them being boys. In spite of the small number of students, some in my class bullied other students.

 

At that time, I couldn't stand up for the victims of the bullying. I was well aware that some of my friends were being bullied, but I kept my mouth shut for fear of reprisal, and even when I witnessed them being hit by bullies, I turned a blind eye to it. I think I felt fortunate that—thanks to my academic abilities—I was not chosen as the target. Sometimes, I did feel guilty about ignoring the suffering of the victims, but I never did actually do anything.

 

Although I told myself that my doing nothing to stop the bullying was not a big shame, I still feel guilty for having turned a blind eye to the wrongdoing carried out before my eyes. But if I am placed in a similar situation, I may hesitate again to stand up for the victims, ignoring their sufferings to save my own skin, though I feel bad about my cowardice. I would be able to do something like that because I am male, highly educated, and have a healthy and sound body and parents who are very supportive.

 

Indeed, this was behind my decision to object to doing military service. It was inevitable that if I joined the army I would frequently face the situation in which I would hesitate to express my opinions in the presence of my superiors and shrink back in fear of being hit.

 

In the army, which is strictly hierarchical and often tolerant of open violence, could I honestly tell my opinions when I heard my colleagues belittling others and judging women by their bodies? How could I maintain my beliefs while I was being forced to match my words and actions to theirs in order to survive? After considering all of this, I decided to object to doing military service.

 

And now, even after I have been imprisoned for rejecting the compulsory military service, I believe my decision was the right one.

 

▲ Conscientious Objection to Military Service Campaign (Source) World Without War https://withoutwar.org

“Ordinary” men I met in prison

 

I gained new experiences and found things to think about in the place called prison. I met men of all different ages. They looked little different from the ordinary people to be seen outside of prison. Even those who turned out to be pimps and rapists did not look cruel or weird at all.

 

I had thought I was aware of that to some extent. But, given how surprised I was to find that the criminals were not very different from ordinary people, it seems I had been mistaken. I tried to discover among them the characteristics society says criminals have, such as forcing one's argument strongly with no consideration for others, seeking only one's own interest, and being unable to control one's anger. But I couldn't find such features among them. They were little different from ordinary people of this age.

 

Even more shocking was that many of the “ordinary men” of this age regarded women as sexual objects and saw nothing wrong with prostitution. They had a very distorted perception of sex. I felt very disappointed that the men of this age were no better than that, and knowing that I was a man with the same biological and cultural background as those men, I even wondered if my feminism could really be sincere.

 

When I talked with other men about my choice to conscientiously object to military service, I was able to express my opinions firmly and consistently. I felt no shame about it and was ready to acknowledge their opposition to my view. My view on the military service was not swayed at all by the information or views presented by others. But, when it came to feminism, my views were swayed ceaselessly by others.

 

When a pimp said many prostitutes voluntarily sold sex without being forced to do it, the age-old question of willingness or coercion came to my mind. In addition, I couldn't think of any appropriate refutations to the argument that, in a capitalist society, one's body can become a product. All I could think of were abstract concepts such as patriarchy, the alienation of the laborer, and exploitation.

 

I would like to start talking about my conflicting desires

 

I watched TV programs for the first time in years in prison and was taken aback by the way I responded to pop culture.

 

Before I went to prison, I had not watched TV programs featuring female pop singers because I thought they depended more heavily on their looks than their singing abilities. But being in prison with few chances to listen to the music I liked, I often watched music programs on TV. And I grew fond of some of the songs played on the programs, and sang along, dancing. When I watched female pop singers and actresses on talk shows, I sometimes found myself thinking there were really attractive.

 

I could understand why those doing military service become fans of pop stars. Their singing, dancing, and acting—all of it taught to them by experts—was widely popular, and I started to feel that my decision to avoid them was old-fashioned. Wouldn’t it be more sophisticated if I enjoyed today’s trends, but with a critical perspective?

 

I was confused like a person who was first encountering feminism. As a person who had worked for feminism for years, I should have been able to express clear opinions on issues like judging women by their looks, prostitution, sexual abuse and pop culture.

 

However, the problem with me was that I had just accepted and followed feminism without giving serious thought to it. Belatedly, I wanted to talk with others about my conflicting desires and thoughts.

 

More honest with myself after being released from prison

 

Before going to prison, I had met people with various experiences and progressive beliefs which helped me become a better man. In prison, I worried that I might develop sexist thoughts and views while spending time with the ordinary men of this age.

 

Fortunately I didn't develop such views. In spite of things that might have influenced my views on women, such as photos of naked women on the wall and other inmates' frequent obscene jokes, I maintained my feminist beliefs. When I watched TV programs featuring female pop singers in skimpy outfits, I didn't just enjoy them without any critical thoughts. As I had learned feminism, I could critically judge and then enjoy them, which gave me some confidence in the jail.

 

Two months have passed since I was released from the jail this spring. When I was in jail, I felt I would be able to do everything well once I returned to society, but things didn't go that way. I am still not diligent enough, incapable in some ways, and not good at getting along with new people. But my experiences in prison have turned me into a more honest person. So now I would like to talk about feminism in a more honest way, without shying away from controversial opinions. 

 

*Original article: http://ildaro.com/6396

Published: July 11, 2013

Translated by Kang Eun-sil

 

◆ To see more English-language articles from Ilda, visit our English blog(https://ildaro.blogspot.com).

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